Failure

Failures are interesting things.  I fail all the time.  Some days I feel like a failure.  Many times I fail when I’m trying my hardest. 

I remember when I was just about to graduate from college.  I had dreams at that time to apply to grad school and, knowing how bad a tester I was, I wanted to have as much on my side as possible.  A teacher nominated me for the coveted “Mellinger Award,” given to one graduating senior in the psych department.  I had worked really hard to keep good grades and I led the PsiChi Honors Society as its elected president.  I was part of a pilot program teaching general psych lab as an undergrad.  I wanted that award. 

So when that stupid Social Work class brought my GPA down just enough to disqualify me, I was livid.   No matter the efforts my Professor gave in my defense, there was no changing the overall consensus of the board.  I didn’t deserve it. 

The gossip around campus was palpable.  When I’d walk into the lab, people were discussing it, when I sat for lunch, my fellow students would try and comfort me.  They’d grumble about how the award went to a non-graduating senior, and that was a violation of the rules as well.  Well, I’d smile and say it wasn’t such a bid deal.  But it was.  It was defining me at the time.  

But I didn’t have much time to mourn.  Just about that time, life was changing rapidly, showing me that the plans I desired weren’t the Master plan.  I was pregnant with our first child, and we were about to move our family to a new state with my husband’s work.  I would be defined by a new season. 

So looking back, that award would have done me little good after all.  Hopefully it did a lot of good for the one who won it.

I put grad school in a drawer and dove wholeheartedly into being a homemaker.  By the way, I’ve failed there a bunch too!  But as I consider how I overcame, I don’t really think I did.  God did.  He changed it all up, and moved me on to the next lesson.  Did I pass the test?  Hmm.  That’s a hard one.  I believe I did to the degree I opened my hands and released the award and reputation that accompanied it.  If God is for us, who can be against us?  Did I learn to trust myself, actually no, but I learned to trust God.  “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”  And he has filled my house well.